I am a huge fan of spirit-led prayer ministry. It is quite a strange
thing and when you try to explain it to someone, even some Christians,
they kind of give you 'that' look - you know, the one that shows they
think you may just be off your rocker. However, God has used this tool
so mightily in my healing that I highly recommend it.
It all started in the Ancient Paths seminar in 2001. When she asked me
where Jesus was, it was like instead of remembering the memory, I was
walking around in it separate from anyone else, and could examine it and
look at it from different angles, etc. We all know that God is
everywhere and is not bound by time, but to be able to actually see him
there, in my room - and then to realize the effect my abuse had on him -
was a very profound experience.
In this more recent season of my
journey, the spiritual counselling/prayer started with my former
roommate from years ago. I called her up and told her what was going on
and so she asked if she could pray for me. She asked me if I were to
meet Jesus anywhere, where did I think that he would want it be - and
she suggested that the first thing that popped into my mind would likely
be the right answer. So the first thing I saw was a rain forest... a
cool, shady place, full of trees covered with moss. There was a brook
with a log right beside it, and it was so very quiet and peaceful. So
then I just 'stayed there' in my mind, and Jesus appeared to me in my
imagination. He walked up to me and he was smiling, but as he got
closer he became more concerned. He told me that he loved me - very
much. It was very significant.
This place became somewhere that I would go often in my imagination, and both my counselling pastor and
my therapist started using it in my sessions as well. That is why when
Daddy God came to find me and called me his Beautiful Daughter (see post
#7), it was in my rain forest.
I
had met with the counselling pastor again in the spring of 2014 to deal
with some issues around my conception; my mother had always said she
needed a fourth child like she needed another hole in her head, and
because of this and her actions as I was growing up, I have struggled with my
value at a very foundational level. The counsellor and I tried to
start off in my rain forest place, but for some reason, I wasn't able to
be there; I could see it, but I felt like I was looking out through
Venetian window blinds or something. It was very strange. We did some
things, but it was not a really productive session.
Shortly
thereafter I was at a retreat and I signed up for prayer ministry. The
prayer worker (let's call her 'Marie'*) asked if I wanted prayer for anything specific, and I said that we
should let God decide. She immediately said that she felt that we
needed to do some work around my conception. Smile. She read the
portion from Psalm 139 that says,
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you.
I
could not stop weeping... so that was where we started out. We soon realized that I was
protecting myself or hiding in some way so we dealt with that, and then I
gave her a very 'Coles Notes' version of the story up to this point
(mother, father, sexual abuse, and clergy sexual abuse). She saw a
picture in her mind of each of these events in a line... kind of like
baubles or charms on a bracelet, or a timeline. She saw the word
REDEEMED stamped over top of each one - and over my conception, she saw a
heart. She also felt that God was saying over and over, "I see you."
The whole session was very significant - but it was about to go to a
whole new level.
There was another lady in the room ('Susan'*) praying
during this whole encounter, and afterward, Marie asked her if
she had received any pictures from God or words that she wanted to
share. This was when the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Susan
saw me trying to protect myself with this dilapidated old suit of
armour. It was all rusty and falling apart, but I still was clinging to
it. However, I had removed the helmet. The helmet... Immediately I
remembered my session with the counselling pastor a few weeks prior,
where I was looking through blinds on a window. It wasn't blinds - it
was the visor of the helmet!!
In the next session in the retreat I
felt a real breakthrough in worship and Marie told
me afterward that God had shown her a picture of me and I had just burst out of
that rusty, dilapidated old suit of armour. The pieces went flying and
it fell away, demolished. During this same session the worship leader
spoke a prophetic utterance and it was confirmed through another woman
at the retreat that it was for me.
Daddy God said:
I see you. I know you. I hear you.
I've seen the tears that you've cried.
I've captured all of your tears in my bottle.
I am your God. I formed you with my hands.
I created you. I have painted you with my love.
My brushstrokes are all over you. You are my masterpiece.
You are mine. You are mine.
Oh my word... how profound that was. I have an audio clip of it and it still brings me to tears.
* - not their real names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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